When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
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*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.