I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
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Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Every work call, he judges.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
This is the best one I’ve seen
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes