The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
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My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Hero horse inspires millions
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?