If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me buying fruit and veg
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what