An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I have many caverns
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.