Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
You Might Also Like
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My life in a nutshell
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool