Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
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Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*