All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
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I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Whisper out to librarians!
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
why no one uses midhusbands
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*