I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
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Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night