My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
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God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama