Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
this is literally a CIA plant
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.