Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
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My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
*ernest hemingway voice*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Wait a second…
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
What even happened today?
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
We all have our pet causes.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.