What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
eggs benadryl
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Straight people are cancelled
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”