Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Realize this:
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon