constantly working on myself.
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
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