Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
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Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Morning my dudes.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones