Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.