[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
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People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.