H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight