Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
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I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Aaaa…CHOO!
*puts cutlery down*
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie