Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself