Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
They also CAN sing✌️
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead