“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
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Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My whole life was a lie.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.