Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
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Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.