A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Need WebMD
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.