Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Flock of bats
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.