Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.