While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I need to update my racial profile.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*