When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Holy moly
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot