Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
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“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
same bro
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong