Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
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I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.