I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Pandas 🐼🖤
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.