People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.