Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
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5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too