accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
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Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.