if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
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I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer