CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?