Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
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When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it