Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
the battle rages on
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.