My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
the pigeons are already plenty salty
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
how long have you had this for?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today