My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Doctors texting each other.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.