You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
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Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Meowchelangelo
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.