When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.