EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
the last thing a carrot sees
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*