A duv-egg? In this economy?
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”