If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
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Good point.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
what
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL