Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*