computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
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The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???