Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
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Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
couldn’t resist
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers