My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
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ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry